That Floating Excrement Was Far Too Meaningful! These Are the Television Disappointments of the Year.

Looking back, we consider the television offerings of the recent year, a handful of series stand out not for their brilliance, but for their spectacular shortcomings. Ranging from awkward sequels to bafflingly poor docuseries, here are the programmes that had us scratching our heads or just reaching for the remote.

The 'Sex and the City' Sequel

Where to begin with this love/hate follow-up? Plagued with dreadful writing, cringe-inducing arcs (justice for Miranda!), and a paltry 71 seconds of beloved Samantha, the show fought to find its footing. For a moment, as the final series began, it seemed as if it had finally found its groove. Then arrived an episode centered on Seema’s natural deodorant. Little surprise the showrunner announced this would be the last series. It ended on a bum note; the lingering shot of Miranda’s loo flooded with poo was simply too on-the-nose. Still, viewers certainly had a hoot picking apart every single “wtf?” moment. And as Carrie – once again single – danced around her sprawling townhouse to Barry White, who didn’t release a small sob?

The Kim Kardashian Drama

‘Can Kim Kardashian act? Of course she can’t.’

But that was practically the least of this show's issues. The recipient of a very rare zero star review, it was difficult to know where to begin enumerating the problems. The laughably leaden writing? The tedious veneration of affluence and materialism? The almost wilful parade of tropes? Acting so bad they felt borderline malicious? Suffice it to say “all of the above” and never speak of this series again. However, a new season has been ordered, so we’re probably going to have to.

The Charlie Sheen Documentary

Considering the legal troubles, domestic violence claims and parental failures, it’s fair to say Charlie Sheen has been a bad boy. Not you’d really have gleaned it from this three-part docuseries which smirked its way at Sheen’s various episodes of self-destructive excess while failing to tell us anything we didn’t already know. Rather, it felt as if this volatile personality was being indulged, so any sympathy this series might evoke should be reserved for the people who have had to endure proximity with this charming but flippant narcissist.

The Iris Affair

Naturally we knew it was preposterous from the outset: a drama about a supercomputer known as Charlie Big Potatoes that could either save the world – or annihilate all of humanity. We persevered out of pure admiration for its stars … but by the end, it felt like even they had stopped bothering. One scarcely cared when his character died, and the other ultimately hacking Charlie with an axe … in super slow-motion. Talk about giving up the ghost.

The Gangster Drama

Shady characters convening in deserted boxing gyms? The Prodigy’s Firestarter blaring in club scenes? The late 90s called and wants its gangland drama back.

Actually, that is harsh on the crime shows of the late 90s. Many look a little dated now, but at least they didn’t suffer the embarrassment of having to accommodate unconvincing accents. But there were plenty of other problems. Mainly that it was just really boring; a conflict over narcotics territory between various cockney picaresques which seemed rather simplistic.

The Meghan Markle Series

Given the degree to which she grinds the gears of the nation’s performatively angry commentators, it’s almost tempting to admire the Duchess of Sussex’s televised ventures into twee lifestyle as intentional statements. But then you view them and are forced to admit that in this case, they might have a point. It’s like watching a homeware magazine come to life; a poster for wine o’clock with delusions of grandeur; a parade of sleeping dogs, buzzing beehives, Hallmark platitudes and forgettable crafting “tips” you’ll not remember instantly. All underpinned by immense, largely unearned wealth. Ugh.

The Beckham Documentary

There are clearly interesting things to be said about regarding Victoria Beckham and her journey with vocation, self-image, self-acceptance. But for some reason, this three-part series chose not to explore them. Instead, the experience was akin to reading a marketing brochure. She obviously has every right to resent what she describes as her “stern” image. But unfortunately, she failed to do herself any helps with this guarded letdown of a series.

The Game Show

It should have been the next big hit – except even camper, with a glamorous star as a deceased benefactor and a sharp-tongued personality managing her estate. What more could you ask for? As players competed, there was plenty of betrayal and squabbling. But the rules quickly became bewildering: it’s still too confusing to explain what exactly was happening. Even more regrettably, we only saw glimpses of the star via prerecorded videos. The series ended up reeking of a production that was trying way too hard to emulate something way beyond it.

Too Much

How does one follow a show that defined a generation? The pressure was enormous for this glitzy romcom about Jessica, a rosy-eyed New Yorker who arrives in London with a shattered romance. The lead actress took her biggest role by the horns and was a delight to watch, embodying Austen levels of romantic ideals. But it was all very slick and, ironically, was insufficient. Plus, the sheer amount of celebrity cameos involved felt icky.

The Sketch Show Return

Not even good enough to be ‘patchy’.

Given the shrewd recruitment of gifted emerging comics, expectations were high. But unhappily, most of it didn’t land. A recurring sketch was a single joke stretched to a dry pulp but repeated in every episode. One star seemed too willing to slip into a well-known ranting mode. The behind-the-scenes sketches, in contrast, simply provoked the thought that they should probably have remained in there a while longer.

The Twisted Tale of Amanda Knox

This retelling of the story of Amanda Knox was executive produced by Amanda Knox and pretty much solely presented the viewpoint of Amanda Knox. So, while there undoubtedly is an compelling drama to be made about the horrific 2007 murder, this was not it. The material needed to be handled sensitively. Rather, the series struggled painfully to find the right voice, lurching from oddly jaunty, slightly stylised farce to inevitably, real-life horror. Complex? Arguably. A complete mess? Very much so.

The Maths Genius Thriller

We admire the lead actor … but did we buy him playing the greatest maths genius since, a man so smart he’s on the verge of a breakthrough that could destabilise society? No! This globe-trotting thriller about secret services targeting – and eliminating – intellectuals honestly got more absurd by the second. Silliness-by-numbers.

The Bonnie Blue Documentary

This hagiography followed the content creator renowned for sexual escapades as she undertook her most extreme challenge yet. What on earth would motivate her? What we wanted was far greater interrogation of her actual psyche, plus those of the men in the line. They could at least have spoken to the now-famous mum who appeared to haul her son out of the queue. What we got was disturbing imagery and absolutely no critical analysis of her notoriety whatsoever. And to think, the filmmaker has a young daughter too.